A Soft Answer

Being gentle and humble does not come naturally for people. Most of the time our instant reaction to conflict is to try to match or exceed our opponent’s strength. It can become even more bitter when that opponent is supposed to be on our team. No team can stand up to its real opponents if they are fighting within themselves.

The wise words from Proverbs can give us protection in heading off an internal battle before it starts.

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

The best way to avoid conflict is to keep it from happening in the first place. What do you think is easier, to avoid a forest fire or to try to extinguish one? Everyone would unequivocally say to avoid it. When it comes to the fires and battles in our marriage, how do we do this?

I would like to suggest one way in which to avoid the battles in our marriages and our relationships. Don’t start. When your spouse complains about how you never pick up your socks, don’t respond in kind with a hurtful response. You can be more disciplined, more tempered, and happier when you choose to respond in a soft way. For example, “I know I can be a slob and that makes you upset. I want to relax and unwind at the end of the day but I recognize your need for cleanliness. I will make an extra effort to pick up my things.” This way of response does not mean that we need to be submissive or passive. Rather, it is stating your response in an honest, yet respectful way, something we need more of these days, am I right?

The other side to this is when we want to address complaints ourselves. How do we go about broaching this subject? Is it the same contemptuous attitude? “Are you listening to me? You never pay attention!” The best way to approach these situations is to avoid what Dr. John Gottman calls a harsh-startup. Harsh startups can come in the form of sarcastic comments or hostile complaints about our partner. For Dr. Gottman it’s all about softening the blow when we have a dispute we need to talk about. Don’t be disrespectful. Don’t use cutting remarks or attack your spouse’s character. Just treat them as you would your friends or company. It seems rather simple but most often we find this difficult when dealing with our own family members. If you want a happy home, evaluate the way you act or react to these battles. Avoiding harsh startups and/or responding with a soft answer can prevent those fires in our lives.

[Photo Credit] 

Time, Q. (2017, December 1). Love Quotes : Do You Use The Power of a Soft Answer in Your Marriage? - #Love. Retrieved March 7, 2020, from https://www.flickr.com/photos/154507842@N04/24883592838